British Snoring & Sleep Apnoea Association

My husband had problems with his nose in his late teens, leading to several operations which resulted in one nostril being permanently blocked and the structure of the nose being very weak.
This has caused him to snore really loudly. He also stops breathing sometimes, just for a few seconds but it wakes me up as I'm listening to make sure he starts breathing again. He also breathes really fast when sleeping, which also makes me really anxious.
I am desperate for some advice as he refuses to go to the doctor due to some bad memories of being dragged there several times about his nose by his dad and he believes there is nothing they can do anyway and even if they could he won't go through any more surgery.
He says I should be the one sorting my sleeping out as I can't sleep but its due to his snoring that I struggle with staying asleep. I even went for some counselling to help, because I started feeling anxious about going to bed. He used to get really angry at me when I couldn't take it any more after hours of listening to him snore, I used to go into the spare room. Now he sleeps in there all the time.
We've been sleeping in separate rooms now for almost a year and we both hate it. But it got so bad we almost broke up at one point.
I find it really frustrating that he is almost in denial about it and the impact it has on us, and seems to blame me for not being able to sleep through a really loud noise, which is really upsetting and utterly frustrating.
Thanks for reading and I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could give as I am at my wits end with it.
Thanks, Janey x

Wow Janey! That was a courageous first post ... WELL DONE and WELCOME!!

It is difficult when a partner refuses to take responsibility for the noise they're making when THEY'RE fast asleep and YOU'RE wide awake and feeling resentful! I can understand why your husband feels so unhappy with the idea of going to the doc because his past has raised very painful memories and he probably hasn't worked through his feelings ... he was only a child at the time, but now he's an adult he is old enough and articulate enough to talk about how he felt not only at the time and also how it makes him feel x years later. This should be a step on the way to his going to the doc.... but how to introduce such a sensitive subject into everyday conversation ... well that's the rub (as Shakespeare says!)

Perhaps you can gently tell him that he IS making a loud noise even though he's asleep at the time and doesn't remember anything of it, and also IT'S NOT HIS FAULT; HE'S NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE ... and that's why you can talk about it with love - after all you are his wife and hope to be married to him for ever - and not blame (though it might be hard not to show how cross you are with the situation ... note 'with the situation' and not 'with him'.

Try to explain how his snoring makes you feel ... and how you want to help him because help IS available, and it doesn't involve surgery if the problem is related to OSA ... I wouldn't like to comment (not being a doc) if he has a physical obstruction.

You might like to show him this website and forum. You could also invite him to take the Epworth Questionnaire (on this site) which takes 2 mins and is completely 100% painless. This may help to show him that there is a problem.

You can explain that you don't want to have to sleep elsewhere in the house, nor want him to ... but that his snoring is having an impact on your life too. He may admit that he's not feeling very good in the mornings or feels very sleepy. All this will disappear IF he has OSA and is diagnosed and treated.

As regards his own health, you can tell him that medical research has proved that his chances of having a heart attack or stroke in his sleep have increased substantially, because the stopping breathing means that there is an irregular supply of oxygen to the lungs, heart and brain. Once he seeks diagnosis and follows therapy (if required) then his risk factor comes back down to NORMAL.

If he does have a problem linked to OSA, it is going to involve a major lifestyle change, mostly for him but also for you. I hope that you will be able to educate, support and encourage him ... and as a layperson (NOT a medic) from what you describe in terms of his nose, a xPAP machine may not only help with keeping his airways open via his mouth but also make it much easier and more effective for him to breath comfortably.

You can only gently educate him, and I know that this will take time. People only change when they accept the need for a change and want it to happen. But if you can explain to him that the snoring shows he has a problem that can be easily diagnosed - usually a one-night sleep study often done at home - and efficiently treated and managed FOR LIFE without surgery, you may be at the start of your journey to get you both to enjoy better and more restful sleep.

Please keep in touch. No one here will ever laugh at you or think that any question you might ask is silly or superficial. We have all had to start somewhere and if we can help in any way, you only need to ask either on the forum openly as you did here, or by PM (private messaging). All the very best.

Thank you so much for your caring reply, it is really appreciated. He has decided to stop smoking and lose weight so maybe things will start to improve x

That's encouraging news, janeyjane. Can I suggest your hubby speaks to someone from the BSSAA by ringing the freephone number at the top of this page? It may help him to pluck up courage to see his doc!

Never mind separate rooms, janeyjane, hubby and myself are sleeping on separate floors! I'm worried that will be separate houses!

Sorry to hear that, I know that feeling well

Hi janey,

He is old enough to go to the Gp and talk about it. He may be refered to Ear Nose and Throat to let them have a look to see if it is something simple deal with. Letting them have a look does not mean he has to agree to an opp'.
If he is stopping breathing it may be Apnoea related or the way his nose was left. He needs to get it at least lookef at, if he feels tired as well it may be Sleep Apnoea. Pick up some leaflets from your surgery, or hospital.
Leave them where he can read them when he is ready if he refuses to discuss it with you. Don't push it, if he gets annoyed just put the leaflets down where he csn see them. Get spare leaflets, you might need to replace them a few times. Put them on his bed second time but don't get into an argument over them, its not worth it.

Forgive misspelt words, phone is not good to work with.
Technology is great when it works